I was raised in an alcoholic home. My father was not physically abusive, but for reasons that my mind will not give up, at age 5 I was afraid to go to sleep without having a butcher knife under my pillow. I remember asking my mother every night if daddy was coming home and every night she said yes. I know we moved into the house I was raised in when I was 4. Some time after we moved in and before my fear at age 5, my mother had a nervous breakdown and shock treatments. I do not know the reasons for her illness nor do I know the results in the household except what I have described.
At age twelve I was sexually molested by a priest. This set me on a course of trying to find out who I was sexually. It was not until I was 47 that I told my mother. She knew about the priest because of a kid in the parish who told his parents, but said she had no idea I had been molested although I stayed over at his house the nights I was to be his altar boy the next morning. He was a chaplin at the local hospital and said an early mass for the nuns. My father passed away 19 years earlier and as far as I know he did not know. I cannot tell you why I did not tell anyone. I suppose it was probably a matter of fear, trust, self-esteem, self worth, and all the other issues of a dysfunctional home. It was not until I was 56 that I realized I had been the victim of a pedophile.
By age 15 I was out of control, arrested, and ended up with a felony record that hung around my neck for 30 years. I had no respect for any authority. I was passed from grade to grade like a bad apple until my senior year in high school when I came head to head with a bookkeeping teacher who would not allow me to graduate until I made up all of my homework assignments. She made me come to her classroom 6 hours a day for a week after school was out for the year. One day she got so angry at me that she stomped her feet and with a red face told me I would never be a bookkeeper to which I replied I didn’t want to be one. I came to realize years later that her outburst was from a caring heart and that she was the only teacher, that I can recall, that cared enough to confront me. I walked across the stage and accepted my diploma with a grade average of D-. I told her 20 years later at a funeral of a friend that her caring lit a fire in me and I did become a bookkeeper, an accountant, a business manager, an auditor, an insurance agent, and a financial planner.
Now to most people that would sound like a fantastic success, but I know now that it was all based on years of performance to feed my low self-esteem and self worth. I went through four divorces and three severe bouts of depression before I realized I had suppressed a tremendous amount of anger and unforgiveness. In 1998 at the age 56 I was homeless and bankrupt. It is only by the grace of God that I did not take my life or someone else’s. Although I started attending ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings in 1988, my real recovery did not start until I became homeless. I entered a men’s shelter and started going to therapy. Six months later I took a position as a supervisor. It was during the next six years while helping others that I helped myself.
I began to realize that, although I was not an alcoholic or drug addict, I had all the characteristics of both. I was a workaholic and I had all the personality defects. I saw my reflection in man after man and can only thank God that I did not end up in prison or deep in an addiction.
This website is a product of my life experience. I have a desire to help others find the valuable person within himself or herself. I know how difficult that is to do, but I know it is possible albeit I am still in the process of finding him in me. I have been a Christian since 1970, but I have spent most of that time being angry with God. I am working on the anger I have never processed today and will be for a long time to come. I am learning that I do not have to perform for God or anyone else.
Behind the links at the top of this page are things I have learned and applied that have made tremendous differences in my life. I have attended the University of Hard Knocks, as have you. We both know that it is the toughest school, but it teaches lessons we never forget. In the 14 years I have gone to school I have been taught to study the lesson and then take the test to see what I have learned. In the U of HK I always got the test and then learned the lesson. I have been in this school for 64 years (2006) and I’m still working on my diploma.
I would like to say I married a wonderful friend of 20 years on April 22, 2005. We spent 6 years dating before we married. I have 3 step daughters, a step son, and 10 step grandchildren, all who treat me like a king, plus 2 sons and 3 grandchildren of my own. I am indeed a very rich man where it really counts.
God is a fantastic and awesome God who loves unconditionally. Sharing this with you is not easy, but the Lord has told me to share all I have learned. I hope it helps you cope with whatever pain you may be going through.
Take all you want from this site and email me at genesis at tnblu.com. if you would like to communicate.